Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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