I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
