You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
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so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
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The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
why is half of my head shaved?
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