i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
