hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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