you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
