I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
