He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
