We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
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Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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