Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
