Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
third nipple confirmed
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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