I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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