It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
