Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
