Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
