So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
