Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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