Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
