I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
