what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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