I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
