There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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