Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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