Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
