Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
