i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
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Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
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i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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