I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
