break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
