im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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