I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
