you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
