i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
