Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
