I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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