So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
