If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
