apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
