I just cut my nipple shaving
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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