Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
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Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
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This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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