why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
