I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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