someone threw a dead crab at me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
