i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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