you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
