Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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