I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
