he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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