Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
