Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
