i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
