I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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