Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
