I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my being single is dangerous.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
