I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
